SuccessNRG Blog

“May I ask you a personal question? Did your friend take her own life?”  What a shocking question to ask a complete stranger. My friend Gina had taken her life on January 3, 2009, the day before her 41^st birthday. Although I have lost friends to illnesses, and I deal with death quite frequently as an estate planner and probate attorney, I have never experienced the loss of a loved one through their own horrific act. Quite frankly, it rocked my personal foundation. On January 31, I reluctantly attended an event for an out-of- town speaker/author. The evening was hosted by one of my business clients and I wanted to show my support.  In his intro, Charles briefly spoke of a friend who had passed; however he never mentioned the manner in which she died. During the course of the evening, each time he mentioned her name I had an overwhelming impulse to cry. The inner emotional pain was extraordinary. When he concluded, I waited patiently for his adoring fans to leave.  I walked over to him and diplomatically blurted out the question, “Did your friend take her own life?” Although he looked at me somewhat surprised, he answered, “Yes, she did.” I explained to him that I had just lost a friend to suicide. We briefly exchanged niceties, signed each other’s books and said good-bye. Or so we thought. I added him to my e-zine list and in the February edition I wrote a brief tribute to Gina. I mentioned that she had been my horseback riding and egg therapy partner.  Charles e-mailed me to say that Leigh had also been into horses. After numerous  e-mail exchanges and discovering the many similarities between Gina and Leigh, we realized that this was no coincidence. We both agreed that, although we didn’t like being a member of the club, having each other to talk to about our loss has allowed us both to heal. However, what began as an odd pick-up line has turned into a phenomenal personal and professional relationship. Charles is my creative consultant, confidant and dear friend. He is also the co-founder of the GINA Foundation. This is an organization I decided to begin the week of Gina’s passing. GINA stands for Girls In Need of Assistance.  The subtitle is LEIGH – Love Encouragement Inspiration Giving Hope. The foundation will provide various programs to assist girls in embracing their own empowerment and self-esteem. Programs will also support women ages 40 and up to re-discover and re-engage their inner beauty and self-worth that may have been diminished through bitter relationship struggles, financial hardships, physical issues and other life challenges. The Foundation will also provide education and resources on the signs and prevention of suicide. It was not my intention to begin the foundation this year, only to begin a dialogue. My opening question to Charles, the simple dialogue that I wanted to initiate - has transformed into a full blown discussion. And it is something we all need to talk about. Here’s why:

• A woman takes her own life every 90 minutes in the U.S., but it is estimated that one woman attempts suicide every 78 seconds.
• Women attempt suicide three times as much as men.
• Every 16 minutes, someone in the U.S. dies by suicide. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teen and young adults in the U.S. and the 2nd leading cause of death among college-age young adults.
• Suicide is more common among women who are single, recently separated, divorced, or widowed.
• The precipitating life events for women who attempt suicide tend to be interpersonal losses or crises in significant social or family relationships.
• The suicide rates for women peak between the ages of 45-54 years old, and again after age 75.
• The best way to prevent suicide is through early detection, diagnosis and treatment of depression and other mood disorders.
• Depression affects more than 20 million people each year in the U.S.
• Depression is among the most treatable of all mood disorders. More than 80% of people with depression respond positively to treatment. (statistics adopted form the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

The Gina Foundation: Girls in Need of Assistance LOVE ENCOURAGEMENT INSPIRATION GIVING HOPE “I don’t know what my odds would have been had I not had horses in my life.” Leigh Morse Gina was a nurse, a high school teacher and a volunteer and supervisor for numerous projects for the Red Cross. She was working on her Master’s Degree and was nominated for teacher of the year two years in a row. Gina was an accomplished equestrian and had a passion for horses. She was assisting in the development of an equine therapy program in her county. Leigh was a family counselor who chose to return to school and earn her law degree. As an attorney and counselor, she had a vision of being a judge and a child advocate. She, like Gina, was an accomplished horsewoman and had combined her counseling program with equine therapy. These two beautiful, intelligent, accomplished women, having so much in common, never knew one another. However, they shared one more common fact…each took her own life. In one final act, they left behind their children, their horses and the multitude of children that they had positively influenced in their respective careers. Both were at risk…Gina’s entire family had been tragically killed before the age of seventeen. Leigh was adopted and never felt as if she fit in her biological or adoptive family. In their honor, a foundation will be established – Girls in Need of Assistance – to provide support and help to those girls and women who are at risk of injuring themselves or taking their own lives. More information and details will be provided later this year on www.SuccessNRG.com.

“In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain.”  Marianne Williamson

I have lost one of my greatest treasures. My golden retriever, Duke, passed unexpectedly on March 18, 2009. He had been briefly examined by a treating veterinarian in 2008 and dismissed as being overweight without any further diagnostics. Although Duke was seen several more times throughout December and January, the diagnosis never changed. In March, I took Duke to a specialist to check on a chronic knee problem. Upon entering the office, the veterinarian immediately commented on his weight which had remained unchanged over the months. After pulling blood, taking x-rays and doing an ultra-sound, it was determined that Duke had a substantial amount of fluid in his abdomen. Surgery was imminent and immediate. As a result of the spleen being affected, Duke was at risk of hemorrhaging. The spleen and part of the liver would be removed. During the procedure the surgeon advised me that Duke had cancer and it had spread. He could give us a few more weeks to maybe a few months together at most. Knowing that it wouldn’t be fair to allow him to incur any further pain – as much as I wanted to put my arms around his neck one more time -  I gave my consent to put him to sleep. I took my beloved dog in to have his knee checked and came home without him. Words can not begin to express the deepest pain within my heart… the hurt…the anger. I do not know if Duke’s life could have been saved if he had been properly diagnosed earlier rather than merely dismissed. I do know that without the intervention of a Divine Hand that guided me to another veterinarian, Duke ran the risk of bleeding out internally and dying a horrific, painful death. I am grateful for the two short years that he was a part of my life. I know that the emptiness I am experiencing for the loss of his physical presence, will be eased by his continuing love and spirit. Duke may be “gone from my life, but will never be absent from my heart.” (Rainbow Bridge) I would also like to extend my gratitude to the veterinarians, the techs and the staff at Tampa Bay Veterinary Services and to Pet Angel for all the care, concern and compassion that they offered to Duke and me. Following are words that I wrote in honor and memory of Duke.

In Honor and MemoryDuke - Love found me on January 2, 2007 - March 18, 2009 -   Duke came to the Vaughn family later in life. However, in his two short years with us, he gave us more than a lifetime of Love, Laughter and Joy. Duke celebrated each day and embraced those things that truly mattered with passion.  Duke was an avid sportsman. He enjoyed duck and raccoon hunting, only tracking the finest Florida Fluff species which are native to the aisles of Pet Smart and Publix. Duke also engaged in the art of fencing. Each morning he would meet his opponent on the other side of the fence and challenge him to a race to the end…of the fence. He played competitive football with his brother Sparky, and yet he was always willing to give up the ball to his little sister Coco. On hot summer days, he took dips in the swimming pool or any puddle left from a hard rain. Duke was very protective of those he loved. In the rain and thunder, he cuddled up in dark closets with his sister Missy and would guard his mother, sleeping next to her bed each night.  A true romantic, Duke took great pleasure in long walks in the pasture, rolling in the grass to the warmth of the sun and rides in the country. Duke also enjoyed fine dining. His eyes would light up for a McDonald’s double cheeseburger or Publix chicken tenders. He shared vanilla ice cream with his mother and loved her homemade egg salad sandwiches. Duke was a work-a-holic. He spent endless hours working with his mother, laying next to her desk while she consulted with clients or drafted documents. Duke is survived by his adoptive mother, Tamara and his adoptive grandmother, Betty. He will be missed greatly by his brothers and sisters, Fannie, Huevos, Hamlet, Zoe, Mush, Birdie, TT, Buttercup, Rosie, Thomas, Sparky, Missy, Buddy and Coco Chanel.  It was an honor to have known him. It was a privilege to have been chosen as his adoptive family. It was a heavenly gift to be blessed as the earthly caretaker of such an angelic, loving soul.  Duke you are loved and you are missed.   

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way.” Charles Dickens A Tale of Two CitiesMoney brings out the best in people and the worst in people. Money is used and directed by the wise and yet it is the demise of the foolish. Money can shine brightly in a season of Light being used both in service and as evidence of an abundant life. For many, however,  it brings out the darkness of their character.  Money is only the tool –for what is deeper within the internal make-up of an individual.  It was the best of times and the age of wisdom -  Leonard Abess Jr. distributed $60 million of  his own money – out of his own pocket -  to his employees. Tellers, bookkeepers and clerks received tens of thousands of dollars and, in some cases, $100,000.00.  The amounts were based on years of service. Abess sold a majority stake in the Miami based City National Bancshares and all 399 employees and 72 former employees shared in his windfall. In an interview Abess stated that he had known some of these people since he was seven years old and he “didn’t feel right getting the money myself.” He was concerned that their retirement plans had taken a beating with the downturn on Wallstreet. He also provided his recipients with financial counseling and high rate certificates of deposit. It was the worst of times and the age of foolishness.  Bernie Madoff was arrested in December charged with one securities fraud. Instead of investing his clients’ money, he is accused of using the newest investments to pay off older clients, to create the appearance of returns, in a classic Ponzi scheme. His victims include celebrities, charitable organizations and individuals who trusted him with their money.  Estimates of Madoff’s alleged theft range as high as $50 billion. It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness.

“Financial growth, however, is a process, that requires a level of monetary maturity rather than momentary monetary madness.” There is nothing wrong with making money. There is nothing “unspiritual” about attaining a high level of wealth. God created a rich universe and he didn’t intend for us to be lacking in any area of our lives. There is a difference, however, between the “American Dream” and the “American Scheme”. The “dream” is based on purpose. The “dream” has a balance between giving and receiving. The “dream” showcases your blessings, gifts and talents. The “scheme” is based in greed and exhibits an imbalance that is weighted towards “getting”.  The “scheme” distorts your blessings, gifts and talents and exposes your weaknesses, limitations and disabilities. The “dream” is a PowerShift. The “scheme” is powerlessness. When the only goal is making money, monetary madness creates an environment rich with poor decisions. Or, to put in another way, the decision to be poor. Greed blurs the vision and distorts the judgment. Often times, in the publicity and propaganda of the fast track to making money, average  hard- working people utilize their retirement accounts, the savings for the children’s education and even their primary residences to attain the promised wealth. What seems like a “calculated risk” is actually a high stakes gamble. There is nothing “calculated” about jeopardizing your financial future.  How do your overcome a level of madness and immaturity in your relationship with money. Recognize that money is a tool. (next post: Money as a Tool)

In the midst of the real estate boom of 2004 and 2005 many of my friends and clients were investing money in multiple properties.  As the media hyped the rising home sales and the increase in value, the thrill of easy money encouraged the public to invest it all to day trade properties like game pieces on a Monopoly board.  In search of the “American Dream”, savings accounts, 401Ks, and retirement accounts were invaded. Business and primary residences were thrown in the mix by drawing on the equity which had become overinflated in the process.  One deal became two - and then another  - and another.  In the environment of “flipping” real estate like IHOP flips pancakes, I issued a strong warning to my friends and clients. “This cycle is like a game of musical chairs. When the music stops – and it will – you had better have your butt in a chair or it will hit the ground with a very large thud!”  Many did find themselves on the floor stuck with over-mortgaged under-valued properties and attempting to maintain  a financial foothold.  This “American Dream” became a nightmare and the country had to wake up and smell the coffee.   The effects have been far-reaching. People who were not involved in the financial frenzy have unwillingly been thrust into the monetary madness as the economic adversity threatens their jobs, their homes, their lives.  Quick fixes may interject cash into an account. Financial growth, however, is a process, that requires a level of monetary maturity rather than momentary monetary madness.

Personal growth can be painful, because it makes us ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey out of dark emotional patterns that cause us pain, to those that create peace.” Marianne Williamson A Return to Love“So why did he dump you?” The words pierced my soul as I struggled for an answer. Of all people, my blacksmith had to unexpectedly and rudely pose this question to me while he was trimming my horse’s hooves. Trying to maintain composure, I kissed my horse on the nose and answered “That’s not a good topic right now. And who said he dumped me?” The man that I had been dating used the same blacksmith and apparently he knew something of which I had not been made totally aware. Here I was, standing in my safe space, my sanctuary - my barn - and a grumpy, gossiping old man with a stogie hanging out of his mouth informed me that I had been dumped.  Delighting in being more knowledgeable about my relationship than I, my blacksmith dug the proverbial rasp in deeper, and said, “You had to know that he was cheap. He doesn’t want to spend any money on anybody.” In an effort to regain some control of the conversation, I promptly retorted, “You could have told me that a year ago,” I continued holding my horse and attempted to change the direction of the discussion. Subsequently, I found out that my blacksmith had been sharing the story of my alleged “break-up” and disclosing other personal details of my relationship that I did not know, with several of his customers. Nothing like a plate of hurt served up with a side dish of humiliation! Needless to say, I promptly located a new blacksmith!Okay, shake-ups and break-ups, protection and rejection are all part of the equation of relationships.  You add, subtract, multiply and maybe even divide until you reach the right answer.  Navigating romantic or intimate interactions can become more complicated however, when you interject professional and financial situations into the dating equation. Of course there was a certain level of personal pain in this transformation of the relationship. This man had been a significant part of my life for a year and we shared a considerable amount of personal time and attention. However, he had also been substantially time and energy consuming as a client.  My time, energy and expertise are the tools that I use to make a living and support myself and my family. I had trusted that as he engaged my services, he would reciprocate with his own.  At this juncture, a man that I had given the gift of my trust chose to abuse that gift.  There was no compensation, little reciprocation and no appreciation – not even the wisp of a  “thank you.”  Where did I go wrong?  What should I have done differently? If I had assessed and then reassessed my actions using the PowerShifts, my outcome may have been different. From the moment I began handling his legal matters, the first question should have been “How does this serve my purpose?”  Then, a simple prayer “Dear God, before I get in my own way again, show me…”  Divine Direction? The direction was given; I chose to overlook the obvious. This individual was a veterinarian and I thought that he would handle the care of my animals with the same concern, compassion and professionalism with which I had undertaken his legal matters. My words tried to affirm my thoughts, but my “thoughts” could not change his actions or the lack thereof.  The first time I asked for his professional services I had already expended a generous amount of time on his legal issues and I simply requested that he give my horses their spring shots. After all of his excuses and stalling, the horses were finally vaccinated two and a half months overdue. At that moment in time, I should have reevaluated the situation and clearly communicated and given him the option to provide me with veterinarian services or, in the alternative, compensate me for mine. I kept quiet, however, because I did not want to rock the personal boat and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that this was an isolated incident. Subsequent requests for care of my animals received similar responses, if any at all.  Ultimately, when I did make my feelings known it not only rocked the boat, it torpedoed it. This man was not disenfranchised, disadvantaged, destitute or deprived. He was paying other attorneys for work outside my areas of practice. My work - my Time and Focus - deserved to be compensated, as well. Okay, so if you read the book, from the PowerShift Perspective he can be described as a parasite when it comes to professional services and money. This is not meant to be a judgmental statement. He is on his own developmental path with his own lessons to learn. The definition of his behavior does apply to the manner in which he personally related to me as a professional. And as he is responsible for his lessons and behavior as I am responsible for my own. The PowerShift of Forgiveness becomes important at this point - forgiving myself for not defining my value as a professional, to him and to me. And,  I am also expressing the PowerShift of Gratitude - I am Grateful for the lesson that I have re-learned – I have worth as a person and I have worth as a professional. To  give of myself in a personal intimate relationship is to give of my love. My gift does not include exhausting my professional resources to my financial detriment.

I am in the process of writing my second book which will discuss the PowerShifts and how they work with financial challenges. Over the next few weeks, I will be blogging about the inner financial issues and will share stories and strategies. Your comments and questions are welcome.

I want to address the concept of being in service.  Being in service is the process of using your God-given blessings, talents and gifts to alleviate someone’s suffering, assist another in the manifestation of a dream or the mastering of a goal or to just brighten a day. Being in Service is not the process of allowing someone to drain your resources – personally, professionally, financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally –or enabling someone to take advantage of you.How do you know the difference? Trust your gut, heed your intuition, listen to the whisper in your ear, feel the tap on your shoulder – or in my case the slap across the head. Why must you know the difference? If you allow another to drain your resources, take advantage of your blessings and gifts and exhaust you physically and mentally  - all in the spirit of giving or being in service –  you may not be prepared to be in service and on purpose for those who truly are in need of those blessings that you have to offer to the world. Over the past few months I have been involved in a personal relationship with a man who had a number of legal issues.  I handled one issue only for it to become greater than anticipated. One matter then became another. These were not “humanitarian issues” and I had no intention of working without compensation. He, like me, was a professional and I anticipated that the expenditure of professional service would be returned as I needed. Although this should have worked in theory, I failed to take into account the basic make-up of this person.  My hints for his assistance went unanswered, my requests were forgotten or ignored, and his promises, continually broken.  I prepared for him a gourmet meal of my services and he, in return, denied me a peanut butter sandwich.  The legal issues transitioned into our personal relationship. My time off was spent in endless discussions and debates over legal issues that were consuming his mind. The stress manifested for me in the form of headaches and stomach issues in his presence.  I had no rest from legal analysis.  I believe in the inexhaustible resource of the Universe and of God – but the body is an exhaustible resource. Over time, as a result of the disparity in the relationship, I became exhausted. I rationalized the imbalance by thinking that by my giving, I could teach him how to give. In retrospect, I only taught him how to take. And, it is up to God to determine the lessons, not me.I have received a number of similar e-mails over the past week.  In this challenging financial environment, many of you are truly being of service to another and alleviating suffering or assisting in the manifestation of a dream.  Others of you may be enabling someone to take advantage of you  - acting as a crutch, exhausting your blessings, talents and gifts and not allowing them to find their own.   I share with you the good, the bad and the ugly knowing that you may see yourself or someone else in my words. I get it right and I get it wrong.  We are all here to learn.  In the next sessions I will share with you what I could have done - should have done - to preserve my professional time, protect my physical and financial well-being and safeguard my self-esteem.

As you can tell by my lack of blogging, I have not been salsa dancing for a while. However, I thought an appropriate topic to get my readers involved and  ”moving to the music” is to write about financial challenges.   Everyone is focused on the economy. Over the next few weeks, I am going to share tips and strategies on dealing with financial challenges. I am not going to write about the happenings in the physical world - you read and hear enough about foreclosures, the stock market and bail outs from the media.I am not going to give advice on 401ks, retirements accounts, bankruptcies or any of those topics that CNN, MSNBC and Fox news can comment on. I am going to write about you and me. Surviving and thriving in this environment is an “inside job”. There have been times in my life when I have messed up, screwed up and just gotten it wrong when it comes to finances. There have been times when my financial world has been rocked and the circumstances were out of my control such as during hurricanes and illness. There have been times when I have extended myself - or I should say overextended myself - to be of assistance to someone only to have it backfire on my own financial health.  And, there are more times than not that I got it right! And, there are more times than not that a silver lining came from a cloudy and dark situation. So I am “putting myself out there.” Hopefully, you will be able to laugh a little and learn alot  - or vice versa! Either way, send me an e-mail or comment and let me know your challenges and achievements…or a topic you want me to address. First topic will be (drumroll please!) Personal and professional boundaries in financial relationships.

For those of you who are anxiously awaiting the news, Yes, I passed the Salsa 102 test. I have graduated to level 3!

I did not feel that I did my best dancing of the evening. I was with a new instructor for the test and did not  fully understand his cues. One of the requirements for the females was to prep for a double spin, although we only had to peform a single. The instructor’s cue was so “big” that I thought he was going to spin me twice. As you know, I was dancing with a challenged toe and knee. My fear of potential pain caused me to plant both feet on the floor…twice! My perception of what was about to happen had no basis in reality but I wasn’t taking a chance!

How often does the same thing happen when we are overcoming challenge or mastering goals? We have a fear - false evidence appearing real. The fear may dominate our perception of the goal or challenge. Our perception, based on this false evidence, then anticipates pain.  The pain we anticipate may have no basis in reality, but we choose to “plant our feet” to avoid that pain anyway. By planting our feet in fear, we fail to move forward through a challenge or to master a goal.